Horoscope : What the Year of the Snake holds for you

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Here is what Master Pongo Pygmaeus, the chief astrologer at the Planet of the Monyets predicts for the coming year.

Monkey (Born in 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004)

An “interesting” year is in store for Monkey people. If you vote for PR, you are doomed, If you vote for BN, you will also be doomed. So stay at home and scratch your balls.

Your banana trees will have bountiful harvests, your rivers will never run dry and your fur will be free of kutu. Regardless where you live, there will be landslides, flashfloods, bus accidents and traffic jams around you. This year, you will be surrounded by dumb politicians.

Your love life will be not too great. Many of your concubines will run away and the alpha male from the next village will try to wrest your crown. Be wary of large single males.

Work : Those of you in the banana or peanut industry, your career will blossom. Staying practical and open minded will help attract many opportunities.

Wealth: You pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Did you really expect something else?

Health: This year will see a waning of your libido. Time to downsize the harem

Travel : There will be no travel. You live in a zoo, remember.

Risks : Beware of falling coconuts. Stay away from belacan.

Lucky stone : Batu tumbok

Rooster (Born in 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005)

A challenging year is in store for the Rooster. If you vote for PR, you are doomed, If you vote for BN, you will also be doomed. So stay at home and look after the eggs.

People born in the year of the Rooster should stay away from sharp metal objects such as knives. Plenty of good luck energy, success and prosperity are all predicted to go away from you in 2013. You are chicken, why do you need success for? You grow up, someone eats you. Period.

Your love life will be interesting. Your boss will make you mate with a million other chickens. In return, you will receive a handful of grains. Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.

Work : Besides waking up the entire neighbourhood, you may be given additional responsibilities this year. You may even get to pick a worm.

Wealth: Does the phrase “chicken shit” ring a bell?

Health: You will live a healthy live until someone slaughters you.

Travel : There will be plenty of travel. You will get to travel to the slaughterhouse and thereafter (in frozen form) to the nearest supermarket.

Risks : Stay away from cats and anyone called Sanders.

Lucky stone : Batu giling

Dog (Born in 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006)

The 2013 predictions for Dog people look much gloomier than in the previous year. If you vote for PR, you are doomed, If you vote for BN, you will also be doomed. So stay at home and bark at the postman. In 2013, you will encounter many fire hydrants – use them wisely.

Dogs are to astrology what the Vulcans are to Star Trek. They are the peacekeepers. To the rest of the world, you are like brine shrimp. Fun, but ultimately useless and short lived. At least 50% of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed.

Plenty of opportunities will be coming your way. The best you can do is stay alert and bark at intruders. 2013 will not be good for your love life. Shagging in the streets does not count as a love life.

Work : Hard work aplenty. Haven’t you heard the phrase “to work like a dog” ?

Wealth : You will come into possession of an extra bone

Health: The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period

Travel : There will be plenty of travel this year. Running after the Frisbee, running after the postman and running after the cat.

Risks : Beware of cats. They will sabotage you. DBKL will also try to catch you if you stray outside your home.

Lucky stone : Consider yourself lucky if no one throws stones at you.

Have a good year, people.

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