Sunday, December 30, 2012

Monyet King's predictions for 2013

Monyet King, with consent from the Malaysian Council of Monyets, and after months of painstaking analysis, makes the following predictions for 2013. [actually it is quite easy. All you have to do is observe all our *&@#^%$^%@+^%$ in action in 2012 and assume that stupidity is the constant and will repeat itself].

Prediction # 1
In January 2013, many Malaysians will passionately make resolutions for the New Year. By March, 80% of them would have forgotten their resolutions. By June, 95% would not be able to remember what their resolutions were. In December, 99% of them will blame the Government for them not being able to keep to their resolutions.

Prediction # 2
The 13th General Elections will be held in 2013. Contrary to popular opinion, life in Malaysia will not really change after the elections, except for those politicians who lose their seats. [BTW, your vote will not determine whether you go to heaven or hell]

Prediction # 3
Those expecting things to quieten down after the elections will be disappointed. There will NOT be “political” peace and quiet after the next GE. What? You think that when one party wins, the other party is gonna keep quiet? Of course not. The non-stop bickering, bad-mouthing, finger-pointing and ass poking will continue (read more here).

Prediction # 4
Regardless who wins, harga barang tak akan turun. Price of goods and service will continue to rise gradually. [If you believe Anwar that he can bring down the price of goods, you must be stupid]. Read more here.

Prediction # 5
Although according to the Chinese calendar, 2013 will be the year of the Snake - in reality it is more likely to be the Year of the Frog. Some frogs will jump from BN to Pakatan. Some frogs will jump from Pakatan to BN. Both sides will applaud when someone jumps to their side. They will curse when someone jumps away from them. [and there will be plenty of dumb supporters on both sides who will try to justify the frogging].

Prediction # 6
UMNO and DAP will emerge stronger after the GE13. Most other parties will maintain status quo. PKR will be the biggest loser. Anwar will NOT become PM.

Prediction # 7
The hullabaloo surrounding the Hudud, Allah in the Bible, PPSMI, Lynas, Chinese schools, AES, LGBT, banning of concerts, size of the civil service, oil royalty, etc, etc will NOT go away.

Prediction # 8
PAS will protest on the eve of Valentine’s Day, Halloween and before all major concerts in the country. BN and Pakatan will try to out-Islam each other. Elton John will NOT be performing in Kota Bahru.

Prediction # 9
Nik Aziz will finally step down in 2013, after 427 years in office. He will go down in history as the second longest serving leader in the universe. Only Yoda has ruled longer (900 years).

Prediction # 10
About 140,000 Malaysians will die in 2013. They will die due to all sorts of causes (accidents, disease, old age, heart attack, penyakit ganjil, cirit-birit, jatuh gaung, kena pukul, digigit penyu, mati katak, dicekik hantu, dilanggar lori, commit suicide, etc, etc – one or two might even be sodomised). (read more here)

Prediction # 11
Ambiga will still have not learnt how to smile.

Prediction # 12
Rais Yatim will finally quit politics. A month of nation-wide celebrations will be announced.

Prediction # 13
No Nobel Prize, again. No Malaysian will be invited to Norway to receive a Nobel Prize. With flip-flop policies on education, reluctance to embrace English and a national school system that is increasingly looking pre-Cambrian, Monyet King confidently predicts that no Malaysian will win the Nobel Prize in 2013 (and for some 20 years to come). However, some people might win a novel as a prize for creating the biggest roti canai or longest satay or stickiest dodol. 

Prediction # 14
Despite excelling in schools and universities and dominating the civil service, women will still perform poorly in the political sphere. Both BN and Pakatan will repeatedly say that they are pro-women but will in practice, keep women out of all the top positions. There will be not more than 3 women in the new Federal cabinet.

Prediction # 15
73% of Malaysians will whine about the cost of living in the country – and many will do so while sipping their RM 18 Java Chip Frappuchino grande. [people don’t realise that  complaints over the price of goods and services are common all over the world. Every single country I have visited, the locals have the same complaints - that prices of goods are high. Singaporeans, Australians, Indians, Nepalis, Bangladeshis, Thais, Italians, British, Dutch, Indonesians, Americans, Vietnamese, etc. – everyone has the same complaints. Singaporeans are the biggest whiners]

Prediction #16
Najib will announce more Rakyat 1Malaysia assistance schemes. New schemes may include IR1M (Isteri Rakyat 1Malaysia), JR1M (Jamban Rakyat 1Malaysia) and UR1M (Urut Rakyat 1Malaysia) (read more here).

Prediction # 17
Harimau Malaya will NOT win anything significant in 2013. Neither will Liverpool (in fact, it should consider itself lucky if it does not get relegated).

Prediction # 18
It will rain every month. There will be more rain in some months, less rain in other months. Whenever it rains heavily, 87% of Malaysians will exclaim “the weather has really changed, you can’t predict when it will rain nowadays”. Whenever it stays dry for 3 days in a row, 92% of Malaysian will exclaim “the weather has really changed, you can’t predict when it will stay dry”. In 2013, bomoh hujans will still have plenty of business.

Prediction # 19
In an attempt to challenge the Americans in the space race, Malaysia may send a man to the Sun (read more here)

Prediction # 20
Indonesia will accuse Malaysia of stealing the recipe for pisang goreng (or pisgor as it is known in Indonesia). Previously they had accused Malaysia of stealing the batik, pendet dance, rasa sayang song and Manohara. The feud will drag over the entire year until it is discovered that the Thais were the first to fry the banana fritters.

Prediction # 21
In December 2013, if you’re a blogger, you’ll be blogging predictions for 2014. If you’re a reader, you’ll be reading them. If you’re not a reader or a blogger, why are you wasting your time with this article?

Prediction # 22
Malaysians of all walks of life will appeal to Planet of the Monyets to stop writing silly things. But monyets, being monyets, will say uuuk, uuuk, uuuk and show their middle finger.

I hope all of you will have a great 2013.

Best wishes from Monyet King and all the inhabitants of the Planet of the Monyets

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Muffinman said...

You are a freaking comic genius!

Cat-from-Sydney said...

Uuuk uuuk uuuk!!!

Kucing nak jadi monyetlah. Boleh?

Anonymous said...

why liverpool?..YNWA..

Monyet King said...

TQ. I hope it was a compliment.

Monyet King said...

Kucing has already become monyet

Monyet King said...

Anon 1:28 AM
Was feeling ticklish. That's why.

TST said...

Monyet King, you are getting good at this. Bravo.

Desmond Jerukan said...

Happy New Year 2013......hope for more Top 10 from you soon as election is coming. Probably we can get worried when there is no sign of Election in March or April.

pak payne said...

enjoyable to read...proving yet again, not only monyets can peel bananas, they can also feel 'suasana' (uuuk uuuk uuuk, my attempt to rhyme.

but but but...i don't like u taking the monkey comparing Tok Guru to Yoda. FU on that one. hahaha.

Monyet King said...

Pak Payne
Each to his own. Happy New Year and I hope 2013 will be great for you.