Saturday, November 24, 2012

Bantuan Seks 1Malaysia : 15 tips to improve your sex life

Feel like your sex drive has diminished? Wish you liked sex more? Do you want to put the passion back into your relationship?

There is still hope. Our research team at the POTM have formulated 15 tips just to help you and other Malaysians wishing to enhance their sex lives. The tips will only work for Malaysians – so don’t try peddling it to others.

We call it Bantuan Seks 1Malaysia (BS1M)

Tip No 1 : Get the fundamentals correct
To improve your sex life, you first need to have a sex life. If you don’t have a sex life, you can’t improve it. Traditionally people looked for another person of the opposite gender to have sex. But that is old fashioned and budaya barat. To boost your sex life in Malaysia, you have to be creative. If you are a guy, instead of a girl, why not try out with a cat or a cow or a porcupine or another guy?  You can even try out with a hairdryer, a paper shredder, a durian opener or even a keyhole. If you are a women, you can also try out with a cat or a cow or a porcupine. Or you can call Planet of the Monyets and we will arrange something for you. However, you can also have sex by doing nothing because in Malaysia, we get screwed daily - by the government, politicians, lawyers, car mechanics, durian sellers and even private hospitals. 

Tip No 2 : Practise safe and eco-friendly sex
Protection is very important but so is the environment. Yes, you need protection but why use condoms?. Condoms are full of chemicals and not  biodegradable. We suggest that guys use banana leaves to wrap their thing. Half a banana leaf (which you can buy for 50 sen at your favourite banana leaf restaurant) will provide you with enough material for 25 attempts (yes, that’s right. 25. Malaysians aren’t that big). Instead of rubber bands, use the banana fibre to tie the leaf around your thing. [the best part is that after sex, you can still reuse the leaf to wrap your lepat pisang for next morning's breakfast]

Use banana leaf instead of condom. Eco-friendly and sexier too.

Tip No 3 : Positions
Missionary and doggy are so last century. We are now in the 21st century and you have to keep up with the times. To keep the fire burning, you need to adopt one new method for every day of the week. Here are our recommendations :
Monday           : Bung Mokhtar style (requires talking dirty)
Tuesday          : Dong Dong Zong style (involves dongs)
Wednesday     : Rais Janji Ditepati style (has never been tried before)
Thursday         : Saiful Bukhari style (drop the soap technique)
Friday              : Ali Baba (others do the work, you get the orgasm)
Saturday         : Hadi Awang's serban style (berlilit sekeliling kepala)
Sunday            : Gangnam Style (horse riding)

Tip No 4 : Lubricants
If you have to use lubricants, please use minyak kelapa sawit. Cheap, plenty and full of Vitamin E. You can buy an entire drum for RM 50 and could last you for 10 years. You can use the excess oil to fry your fish or pisang goreng. Do not use foreign chemical based lubricants – they harm your sensitive parts. Fossil-fuel based lubricants are also not good because they contribute to climate change. [You can call the Malaysian Palm Oil Board and ask if they have banana or strawberry flavoured palm oil]

 Malaysian palm oil is a good lubricant. Cheap and nutritious

Tip No 5 : Aphrodisiacs
You have been constantly bombarded with messages that chocolates, oysters, strawberries, tiger penis, donkey ears  and chicken feet are aphrodisiacs. Bullshit. Those are all propaganda by western corporations to get you to buy more of their stuff. If you want real effective and Malaysian aphrodisiac, try budu, tempoyak and cencaluk. They do wonders - much better than tongkat ibrahim ali. For those who are really adventurous, try French-kissing with your mouth full of tempoyak. It is simply divine.

Tempoyak is an excellent aphrodisiac, especially if you are into french kissing

Tip No 6 : Talk Dirty
Some men and some women like their partners to talk dirty during sex. You should try it. You could start by talking about the dirty public toilets that we have. Then you can talk about the uncollected rubbish along our streets. Indah Water sewage treatment plants are also a good dirty topic. The list is long. The crows in Klang, the rats in Bangsar, the backlanes of Chow Kit, I can go on and on. Do talk dirty… it won’t cost you anything. [you could also talk crap like Bung Mokhtar]

If your partner likes to talk dirty, the rats in Bangsar make a good conversation topic

Tip No 7 : Watching Sex Tapes
Some couples find watching porn helps improve their sex lives. We say throw away the western and Japanese porn. Watch Malaysian sex tapes – there is plenty to choose from. Chua Soi Lek, Anwar Ibrahim, DP Vijayandran, Azmin Ali, Babyrina, the Malaysian students in Singapore, etc, etc. For the best Malaysian porn experience, watch the award-winning Cows and Condos Suplex where a lot of people get screwed really bad. Tontonilah filem fielm tempatan [pesanan dari Filem Negara Malaysia]

Tip No 8 : G Spot
Guys and girls get upset, disappointed and frustrated when they cannot discover the women’s so-called G Spot. No worries – this is Malaysia lah. If you can’t find the G-Spot, just move along. Look for the H Spot, then the I Spot and if still cannot find, look for the J Spot.

Tip No. 9  : Forget Kamasutra
For centuries, the Kama Sutra has been “the” reference manual for sex and sex positions. We say it is time to move on. There are other move kinky sex manuals in town. For a start, try the Buku Jingga. You can also borrow a manual from the COW (Club of Obedient Wives).

Tip No 10 :. Role Playing Games
Role playing games can be fun as long as both partners are consenting and comfortable with the boundaries. So if you and your partner want to dress up and play "Najib Razak and Rosmah Mansor " or “Anwar Ibrahim and Saiful Bukhari” or “Yoda and the Pink Sheep” or any other roles, agree on what's permissible and what's not up front. And remember that games, like fantasies, are not real life. Here are our suggestions :
Monday         : Najib Razak and Rosmah Mansor
Tuesday        : Anwar Ibrahim and Saiful Bukhari
Wednesday  : Yo Rais (alone)
Thursday       : Yoda and the Pink Sheep
Friday            : MACC and crooks (just keep the window closed)
Saturday       : Karpal and Hadi
Sunday          : Ambiga and the senam buntut guys

Tip No 11 : Romping in the Open
The idea of having sex out in the open turns many people on. The thrill of the possibility of getting caught, clear blue skies over your head and the wind blowing down your ass apparently excites a lot of people. In Malaysia, we have many locations where you could try this out. Dataran Merdeka is a good choice (just avoid the Bersih fellows). Our highways are also good (just avoid the AES cameras). The JB - Singapore causeway is also an appropriate location - let the Singaporeans watch and learn from us [reports say that Singaporeans are sex-starved].

Tip No 12  : Fruits
Some people find fruits sexy. Strawberries, bananas, cherries, etc have for long been associated with sex. But those are so boring. Why stick to the old tried fruits when we have so much variety in Malaysia. Try experimenting. Durian, opened or unopened, could be a real stimulant – try sticking it up your partner’s butt. Cempedak, nangka and pomelos would also surprise your partner and add excitement to your sex life. But why stop at these? Kedondong, langsat, duku, jambu batu and manggis could also be potential winners. 
Fruits turn on some people. Try sticking a durian up your partners butt - you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

Tip No 13 : Understand the Acronyms and Lingo
Nowadays the sex scene is replete with acronyms. Make a point to learn what these acronyms are so that you and your partner do not get confused and do the wrong things. BBBJ does not mean Bang, Buka Baju Jom. When your guy asks to do a FACIAL, he really is not going to clean your face. And finally, girls, if your guy suggests a MMMFF session, he is not suggesting main masak-masak for fun. Take our word. Learn the acronyms and the lingo.

Tip No 14 : Try a Threesome
Some couples like to do it with a third person. That’s why it is called a threesome. It is 2 guys and 1 girl or 2 girls and 1 guy. But these types of threesomes are old-fashioned. A true-blue Malaysian should be more adventurous. We recommended several alternative threesomes. Why not try the 1 guy, 1 girl and 1 cow combination? Or the 1 guy, 1 goat and 1 rabbit combo? Or the 1 guy and 1 girl chased by the JAIS guy combo? Or you could get 3 cats to perform while you and your partner watch. Threesomes are fun – you just have to be creative. [you can also learn something from looking at Lee Chong Wei's wedding photos].

Tip No 15 : Sexy Clothings
Clothes make a big difference. The media always portrays women in lingerie as being super sexy. It Is not true. That’s just propaganda dished out by lingerie companies. Remember that we are Malaysians – we can do better. Try parading with a torn sarong in front of your spouse – for maximum impact, the sarong must be borrowed from the mamak who runs the stall across the road. If that does not arouse your partner, try walking around the house wearing nothing but a Nik Aziz’s type of serban in bright yellow. Guaranteed to arouse anyone's passion.

Go ahead and try all 15 tips. If they work, good for you. If they don’t, it means that you are simply lame.

Bantuan Seks 1 Malaysia
Seks Sihat, Rakyat Cergas, Negara Maju


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

hahahahaha No. 14. Rosmah wins

Ashwin said...

Simply awesome bro. Loved the acronyms

ninot said...

I bet more than four of us read this post!

Monyet King said...

hehehehe ... hits have been pretty high

koolmokcikZ said...

Aiseh! mokcik tertinggal bas. but this is darn funny. great laugh for breakfast. thank monyet king